The short answer is No, but let me explain.
What is love? What we conventionally call “love” is attachment to the form. It may vary in degrees, but it is seeing something in the form. There is no equality in attachment to form. We treat people close to us differently from how we treat strangers.
We care for our loved ones and ensure their safety even when they’re upset. And call that love, but that, in my concept, has nothing to do with love. That is still conditional because we live with a story, “they are my so and so.”
There is an element of control involved in the closest of relationships, and that’s the nature of life. I love my husband. I love my wife. I love them because there is an “arrangement” between us. It’s not perfect, but it works, and we believe we can make a good life together, provided the “arrangement” remains the same.
When factors constituting the arrangement, such as intimacy, closeness, honesty, vulnerability, and integrity of character, undergo a change (which occurs in every relationship), the dynamics of the relationship begin to shift, and disruption and resentment creep in.
What we call repair is the restoration of the mutually agreed-upon balance of these factors by the two involved, either through self-reflection or using external help. The configuration of these factors is different for different relationships or roles.
For example, the configuration for a romantic relationship is different from a parent-child relationship, friendships, or a business relationship. It is variable even within romantic relationships. Some require more of this and some more of that. In every relationship, the adherence to a mutually agreed-upon configuration defines the quality of the relationship.
It is necessary, and it helps us streamline our connection with our loved ones, giving us the choice to go as deep as we desire and enforcing boundaries wherever necessary. Whenever we experience a disconnection, we examine the configuration and make efforts to restore a balance for the restoration of peace and harmony.
Love does not have boundaries, and it does not require effort. Hold on, my dear ones! My concept is that LOVE has nothing to do with “another.” Therefore, love cannot have a configuration. We cannot “love” another. We can only BE love. In love, there is no relationship (or division) between “me” and the “other.” The arrangements we have with others are based on certain expectations; the fewer the expectations, the better the overall quality of a relationship, and there’s relatively more peace and harmony.
Love is not an arrangement, and it does not have configurations. This is an extremely disturbing concept because we eventually come to the realization that we never loved anyone. We loved the arrangements because they gave us a sense of fulfillment or made us feel a certain way, and there’s nothing wrong with having arrangements, but it’s not love, and neither is it unconditional, no matter how intense it feels.
We can care for our loved ones knowing that it is all conditional and conceptualized. I may claim that I love my partner because I accept them for their shortcomings and flaws, or that I accept their unhealed parts, but that is again not love because it’s eventually a concern with how that makes “me” feel. There is an undertone of expectation that even my loved ones must perceive me the same way and accept “me” for my shortcomings (the way I see them).
Love can’t be contained to something as transient as a feeling or a conceptual understanding. However, relationships can serve as a vehicle for the exploration of true love. We learn through relationship challenges and pain and suffering that the wholeness or completeness we seek through fulfillment from another can only be found within. What is within is complete.
When we have access to that vastness within ourselves, we can truly celebrate the arrangements with others, fully knowing that they can end anytime. Therefore, love has no comparison or equality, as it has no division. You can BE, but cannot be in love with another.
“Love is not selective, desire is selective. In love, there are no strangers. When the centre of selfishness is no longer, all desires for pleasure and fear of pain cease; one is no longer interested in being happy; beyond happiness there is pure intensity, inexhaustible energy, the ecstasy of giving from a perennial source.” – Nisargadatta Maharaj.
With love,
Jagjot
