Love is Not to Be Grasped or Held Tightly!

Love may be far more than we currently think.

A farmer in Punjab allows us to photograph his customized truck with a hand-painted message.

Love is not limited to feeling; real love is beyond emotion, beyond sensation, and beyond pleasure, which are all temporary. The reality is, we are love; love is our essence, our innermost center, which is outside of time. And, while we are here together, we show love in how we relate… to others, and to ourselves.

“Love is never security. Love is a state in which there is no desire to be secure; it is a state of vulnerability.” ― Jiddu Krishnamurti

There are many people expressing distress about not being able to sustain a fulfilling relationship, whether it be romantic, professional, familial, or otherwise. It may feel like our relationships begin only to eventually end abruptly, or unexpectedly, in deep disappointment. But is the reality of love really so phenomenal? Or does love go beyond our experiences? How is love shown and expressed from this timeless space inside ourselves? Is love a thing or an action, or both, or something else entirely? Is it possible that we are love, embodied, and need not strive or grasp for different experiences of love beyond ourselves? Why do we feel empty without a partner? Exploring these inquiries and more, here are six points for consideration. Whenever the mind tells one that love is impossibly out of reach, simply feel free to explore these pointers to whatever depth one wishes.

Why do we move from one relationship to another, experiencing emptiness?

We do this when we have internalized too many messages from the world telling us that love must look a certain way, or happen only with a particular type of person who is deemed suitable according to others’ standards. Indeed, love is already what we are, here and now, and there is nothing to do to attain it. Love cannot be grasped at, or held tightly. Love is spacious, and happens through grace alone. It has a lawlessness about it because it can happen to anyone, at any time, regardless of circumstances. This is not shameful or wrong, but a gift from God, at least in my eyes. Love does not require mutual understanding but simply touching souls. Love is rooted in common sense and relevant frequency, and it has nothing to do with binding forces. Being vulnerable is a part of the act of love, and it requires a step into the unknown each time we show our courage to be vulnerable.

For example, during a walk at the zoo recently, there were two monkeys sitting in a tree, grooming each other. The female monkey expressed complete surrender to the grooming process, allowing herself to be gently picked at and touched by the male monkey. The female even closed her eyes now and then, and turned her head towards the mid-day sun, in complete surrender to the process. The male monkey cared so much, he used a gentle touch each time he pulled at her fur, and even patted her tenderly. This is how all beings show love, through care and surrender. It is not always comfortable to be cared for, and it is not always comfortable to surrender. The process is love itself.

In so many articles online, we see messages of self-protection. Yes, it is important to protect oneself from what is harmful. But when love is portrayed as unsafe in general, there is something to look at. Is love unsafe? In a way, yes. It requires not knowing the future of the connection and surrendering to that. We can live with that uncertainty and enjoy each moment, in gratitude to God for loving presence. Love need not be stopped or abandoned when so-perceived “flaws” appear in the other. Instead, differences can be embraced with tenderness. If the foundation of the connection between two individuals is harmony from the Heart, then shortcomings are seen in clear light for what they are—conditioning only. And, the eyes of love see what is conditioned in another, and what is real. Love sees beyond the surface to the soul-level individual. When we tap into that space inside ourselves, and use our intelligence and discernment with care and slowness, we will not move on each time another’s conditioning appears as long as the love remains. And accepting conditioning is how love is shown while we are here in each other’s truth-based company.

  • Being loving is not always comfortable.

We are told that being uncomfortable is a so-called bad thing, but could it be that discomfort signals expanding our capacity to love in this lifetime?

  • Being loving goes beyond pleasure.

There is more to love than the physical touch. There is seeing beyond the physical to the soul of another, and accepting what arises. More than desire, love is a meeting of Hearts that happens. It costs nothing and is available in the present moment, and the entrance is not outside but within oneself. Look into a beloved’s eyes and listen to them expressing themselves without thinking or analyzing, and you will find yourself already embodying vast and spacious love. It is a gift of God, accessible to all, and requires nothing from the other person.

  • There is no choice in love.

“Love is not selective, desire is selective. In love there are no strangers. When the centre of selfishness is no longer, all desires for pleasure and fear of pain cease; one is no longer interested in being happy; beyond happiness there is pure intensity, inexhaustible energy, the ecstasy of giving from a perennial source.” 
― Nisargadatta Maharaj, I Am That: Talks with Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj

Instead of imagining how love should appear in the world, we surrender to divine timing and simply be loving, even in silence. This is letting go and allowing Source to unfurl the process perfectly in reality, instead of the imagination-driven ego driving the chariot.

  • We sometimes take a decision to leave a relationship while we are still in the waves of emotion instead of waiting until we are back in our own centeredness, at which point things may look quite different.

This points to allowing patience and humility to flow from us in the spirit of real love. When we are taking decisions in haste, or to “get back” at another for a perceived slight, then we are not aligned with our center. Waves of emotion, like the thinking mind, may try to color the perception and pit one against another. Wait and see how the Heart opens up in the light of day. Then, take a decision from the calm center inside, which is always available to each of us. Sometimes it just takes time to cool off and see things a little differently. Why throw away a relationship full of love over one moment of intensity? This feeling, too, shall pass. Love is deeper than feeling alone.

  • Who are we to say a relationship must go a particular way?

We hear a lot of messages here and there about a so-called ideal relationship, but what does that really mean? These ideas of relationship change constantly according to the times and trends, so why pay them much attention? Instead, we can operate from peace and surrender to allowing a soulful relationship to change and be what Source wants it to be. And that may look different than our expectations, so we can let go of imagination and embrace the person as-they-are. “Thy will, not mine, be done,” as the wisdom goes.

  • What we may perceive as “good” or “bad” attributes/samskaras/traits/conditionings need not be rejected. What if we embraced and included so-called flaws?

When we are one with love, which is our innermost nature, we carry no wrongdoing or guilt. When love is realized as what we are, as we are, we will not feel happy when others suffer, nor will we feel envious of anyone. We will not even fathom acts of revenge, hatred, or cursing a so-perceived other. We embody love and see all through the eye of wisdom, which shows us that every being here has had their own hardships. As Jagjot recently expressed to me during a spiritual discussion: if we could see each person’s life events from birth onward, we would weep and drop all negative feelings towards them.  

Loving another is not a transaction and goes beyond loving our fellow humans. When we uncover the love within ourselves and recognize it in others, we will relate more deeply to nature, too. There will be a never-ending appreciation not only for people but also for flowers, trees, the sky, the rain, plants, insects, animals, and water bodies. These feel like friends. Humans are recognized as only part of a much vaster web of life. The connecting thread is pure love.

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