Self-Doubt & Unworthiness

See the doubt and conflict for what it is. Don’t try to end it!

The late Advaita teacher Papaji said in one of his talks, “Don’t let the water in your boat.” Your place of rest and refuge is your boat in which you sail effortlessly, trusting the winds to take you wherever you are destined to go. You don’t row the boat of life, for there are no pedals. You lie down and sail effortlessly.

The wandering mind with its classic conditioning creates self-doubt with the underlying assumption that there is a separate “self” at the core in charge of managing things. Letting the water in your boat is inviting and encouraging thoughts that take you away from your place of highest restfulness – the Being.

Just as the water is associated with movement, so are the thoughts. Getting entangled in the thought movement, the mind wanders to far-off places. There is where “self” doubt and unworthiness await us. Self-doubt is a trick of the ego mind to draw attention to itself. That is how the ego-mind spins its web of stories and fantasies.

We often compare our present relationships to past ones. We evaluate things based on our mind’s conditioning, which is shaped by past experiences. People, even when securely held and assured, can become doubtful of themselves and others. There’s nothing wrong with it. It is not a question of right or wrong. These doubts often creep up. However, giving the power of attention to these sway us into unchartered territories creating a separation with Being.

We compare people, things, situations, and places, with the objective of securing ourselves, but there is no security in comparison. The search for security in itself causes insecurity. We carry an image of our “self” that we compare and contrast. Caught up in our beliefs of rightdoings and wrongdoings, the mind swings like a pendulum from one end to another.

We wonder if we are in the right relationship because we have an image of what a “right” relationship should be like. We desire ideal situations that do not exist and hold in real life. Relationship with the so-perceived “other” is based on accumulated ideas, concepts, and beliefs. This conditioning can be strong because it is reinforced continually by people around us.

The “self” image is deceiving. It is a collection of ideas that do not have any concrete existence. It is continually changing. Therefore, self-doubt is a temporary orientation of these collected ideas. It can arise anytime and any place. It is not to be fought or changed but to be seen for what it is – A changing form within the unchanging vast and infinite consciousness. You are your doubt and not separate from it.

Therefore, saying, “I should not be doubtful” is a change in the orientation of the “self” image. It does nothing other than create another form of the same doubtfulness. Caught up in right and wrong, should and should not, must and must not, we ride continuously on emotional waves where our capacity to rationally think about a situation comes to an end. We get so caught up that we forget to live and enjoy the present moment with our loved ones. We remain caught up in doubt and confusion.

We rarely ponder the authenticity of traditional ideas and beliefs. Traditional structures are so deeply embedded in our psyche that even when they cause us harm, we cling to them. We cling to familiar (which could be structures that cause suffering) rather than embracing the present moment with complete acceptance of What-Is. We look for ideal relationships, people, and perfect circumstances that are never going to happen. Everything in duality comes attached with unhappiness and that is why Buddha called this samsara (never-ending sea of existence) dukkha (suffering).

The root of self-doubt is the perceived “self” that believes itself to be separate from everything else. It believes it can modify itself to “become” better, free of feelings of doubt, guilt, unworthiness, and so on. Awakening is an impersonal recognition of this illusory “self.” This recognition brings an end to conflict and confusion as the subject-object relationship breaks down.

If one sees these arisings in oneself, they will see that they have no permanence. Nothing has permanence. These arisings that take shape as self-doubt, confusion, and conflict, are shaped by societal and environmental conditionings. Therefore, the masters give pointers to bring us here and now. In this moment, there cannot be any doubt, for this moment cannot be touched by thought.

Getting caught up in the web of illusion (marked by right and wrong, moral and immoral, virtue and vice, and so on) happens when one sways into horizontal thinking. This horizontal thinking is the entification “me” that creates two: subject-object split that perpetuates the endless cycle of pain and pleasure.

When the attention is brought to the present moment one sails completely relaxed and effortlessly in their boat without worrying about where they will be led. The surrender to What-Is – things the way they are, is fearlessness. Changing oneself for others or changing others for oneself is going against nature’s laws. We can go against society’s laws and still function effectively in our daily lives, but we cannot survive going against nature’s laws.

Nature does not care about your ideas of right and wrong.

Your ego mind cares about right and wrong. That is how it expands and perpetuates itself. Nothing is to be done other than allow things to be the way they are. That itself ends doubt and conflict!

Once you know with absolute certainty that nothing can trouble you but your own imagination, you come to disregard your desires and fears, concepts and ideas and live by truth alone – Nisargadatta Maharaj