Why Do People Judge Mothers? How To Become A Better Parent?

Sushi: Should we not strive to be better parents or human beings? I think the sad part of being an ignorant mother is that she controls and expects and annoys the hell out of her kid because society judges her by how her child turns out to be. She is expected to assert an influence that helps her child grow to be balanced in all ways.

If that does not happen, others do blame her. Don’t they? They scare her too. So she tries more without realizing that her child has her own destiny. In this case, how can we say that the source alone is the doer? 

Jagjot: Striving to become “better” is based on a relative comparison, and it varies in different segments of society. Society uses this glorified image of “motherhood” to exert influence and control. 

She’s given a set of responsibilities and expectations to fulfill – a well-defined role to play. She is allowed to be everything other than being herself.

Especially in Indian culture, a woman is portrayed as a sacrificing figure. As a result, she suppresses her true feelings. It leads to denial of emotions and sexual suppression.

She lives most of her life to fulfill the assigned role. It is why marriages lose their sheen and become only a mechanism for the sake of keeping the false image afloat. It leads to a lack of trust and intimacy between the husband and the wife.

And what does the society that defined these rules “do” when that happens? They give more advice – do this, do that, speak to a counselor, talk to your friends, and so on. Does society take responsibility when a marriage breaks? No, they don’t. Yet, people are most eager to give advice claiming to be well-wishers.

People will hold you in high regard till you conform to the conventions and play this prescribed role obediently, irrespective of how painful it is for you. And villainizing one gender is not the solution because society as a whole is dysfunctional.

You will be Judged, blamed, criticized, and condemned by some, no matter how beautifully you discharge your duties. People will judge you as a mother, wife, sister, daughter, and also as a woman. Yes, they will scare you. But who is getting scared? And from whom?

The reason it’s painful is that we get attached to that “glorified” image. And the image, by itself, is not the problem but the strong identification with the role. Deep down, the ego fears annihilation

In some cases, even the mother’s ego builds a defense and blames society or circumstances while continuing to torment her child. I’m not saying that this happens in every case, but it may happen in some.

This fear arises from the separation or the illusion of the ego of “me and others.” This illusion breaks when it is realized that there’s no me or them and that behind every separate appearance is the same consciousness.

“If that does not happen, others do blame her … In this case, how can we say that the source alone is the doer?” (Sushi)

Jagjot: You see, we all have this tendency to project our desirable attributes to the object of our affection. The reason we feel close to some people more than others is that we see more of ourselves in them.

So when we say that God or source should be like this or that, we are essentially projecting. The ego always wants to assert that it knows best. However, the source is not obligated to the little “me.” 

If the suffering is to happen, it will happen, irrespective of your doing anything. In fact, things may become worse by your trying to “fix” them.

I’m not implying that we don’t take action. That would be assuming that we know God’s Will. But the truth is that everything is from the source. Everything is the source. Ramesh would often give the following example in his satsangs. When asked, how can a loving God create disabled children?

And his answer was, for the same reason, that God makes healthy children. The sight of a disabled child scares us because we start imagining our own child in the same situation. 

And the thought comes up, “what will become of me if something happens to my child.”

It is a ploy of the ego-mind to keep itself engaged in the false image.

And here’s the thing, Sushi. No matter how well you play this game, you will always be judged and criticized. You may think you’re doing best for your child, but your best may not be adequate to fulfill people’s expectations. In fact, overbearing emotions from the mother can make the child restless and resentful of her in the future.

And in all of this, it’s the poor child that suffers the most. How can any person or group other than the parents (not even grandparents or friends or relatives) know what’s best for the child?

It’s devastating for children if the parents become their first bully, which is often the case. And who gets blamed first? The mother. 

It leads to parentification, infantilization, and emotional enmeshment with the child, which is abuse. Parents obsessed with guarding the false image cause trauma to their children’s psyche, which in future becomes the source of collective dysfunction.

Being a “conscious” mother is way better than being a “better” mother. A conscious mother is one who is in touch with herself. She is physically, psychologically, emotionally, sexually, and spiritually aware of her needs. In other words, she is integrated and she feels secure about herself. She may play the role but never gets involved in the false image drama. 

She knows that it’s not her “doing” but “being” that matters. Her actions come from a place of unconditional love and not from the fear of being judged for a role as a mother.

Your child is not your creation. It’s a creation that has come through you. While you nurture this divine creation, you have no control over how things will pan out in the future. Asserting that “I know best” is becoming the pseudo subject or assuming that you know God’s Will.

Scientific studies have shown that small children have a brainwave state (theta) equivalent to that of monks who have spent decades practicing meditation. That’s why their mere presence brings joy. A newborn in your arms is the source because there’s no sense of personal identification there. 

Things change when we unconsciously pass on the conditioning (fear) that we receive from our parents to our children. We unknowingly pass on our fears to our children. And it makes an exciting story for the ego. I did so much for you; therefore, you’re indebted for life.

Once, a lady was sitting with me and continuously complaining about how naughty her child was. He doesn’t listen. He doesn’t do his schoolwork. He bullies other kids. He’s all the time on the phone. And she said all that while she was on the phone.

Am I judging her? No. I’m simply pointing to an unconscious behavior, and it’s got nothing to do with how she is as a person. That behavior is acquired through conditioning (which was not in her control), which doesn’t define her. Unconscious behavior is not bad or evil. It is simply unconscious.

So when you let go of the false image, what remains is the high awareness. Awareness is radiant unconditional love. When you’re aware, you stay in the “being,” and that loving radiance overflows. That is when you’re most receptive. 

That is when you genuinely connect with your child at an emotional and spiritual level. The child gives you unconditional love, and the genuine connection happens when you radiate the same unconditional love.

All you need to do is nurture the child by fulfilling their basic needs. Give them your undivided attention. What our children need is our presence and not our ideas. Let them explore the world independently and leave the rest to the universe.

SushiIs it that things just happen, and the mother’s ego steps in afterwards to generate emotions and thoughts? If we all relinquish our egos, would all acts continue to happen the same way with no one to judge or create suffering?

Jagjot: Yes. Thoughts and emotions happen just like other things, and the ego realizing that this is happening is not the problem. The problem is when the ego asserts that it should be like this and not be like that. The teaching of Non-duality is the end of all should and should not’s.

Now understand this. “You” cannot relinquish the ego because you are the ego. The ego-mind thinks it can control and change the outcome through doership. 

The reality is that realization or relinquishment of doership is an impersonal happening. What you relinquish is not in your control. But you can investigate, who’s the doer or thinker? The surrender will happen when it’s the Will of the source.

And when this understanding happens that the ego does not exist, who is there to feel judged or suffer? The only thing to understand is that the mind-body organism still experiences all emotions, but no affliction propagates as prolonged suffering in time.

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