In my 20s, I was in a relationship where I felt the need to be there for my then partner all the time, and I made sure she remained happy and satisfied with “me”. My life revolved around her moods and wants. I would wait for her early in the morning (she was studying in the same institution as I did), and I would neglect my male friends in the anticipation. I would gauge her mood and make appropriate arrangements to ensure her mood changes; however, it never worked!
Eventually, we split apart, and I got into another relationship where I found myself doing the same things. I wished one of them had told me, “Jagjot, you don’t have to worry about anything, focus on yourself! Attend to yourself!” But I’m also glad they didn’t because that statement would have spiraled my anxiety even more. I didn’t have the maturity to understand that wisdom at that time. Any time, my partner’s mood was off, I experienced abandonment anxiety, “she’s going to leave! Fix it fast!”. I struggled with it for years. And even now, sometimes, it springs up now and then, when a loved one acts distant or withdrawn (which may or may not have anything to do with me).
According to psychology, abandonment wound is a result of emotional childhood neglect; however, I feel there may be genetic components and other factors that science has yet to research. The stress caused by the feeling of abandonment (even if it’s not happening in reality) can bring about high reactivity as it dysregulates the nervous system. At times, I would lash out at my partners in anger, “GO, GET LOST! LEAVE ME! I DON’T NEED YOU!” It was a pattern. It was destructive for the relationship and it would leave me with tears later on. Trust me, I wasn’t nice in my 20s and early 30s. Even now, I can be a troublemaker sometimes 😉
To simplify, the root of the feeling of abandonment is fear. The fear itself is awareness moving away from the SELF (unconditioned restfulness). Whenever, we move away from our natural state of Being, we experience abandonment that causes anxiety, depression, and anger. And it is destructive to relationships.
Every time the abandonment wound activates, I find, it’s an opportunity to get back home, to the SELF. We feel anxious and upset because we are abandoning ourselves when we put our psychological well-being and happiness on the mood of others, which is never in our control. The radical acceptance is that we have no control over how others think or feel about us! The wound is the part of the separate self that is cracked. The part of you that wants predictability and safety. This desperate need for safety disrupts peace in daily living. Because what we are trying to protect so fiercely is broken and impermanent.
The radical acceptance is that people may leave (because of their thinking and beliefs or through natural causes like death), and letting them go with love and grace is the highest compassion, without creating a story around them (they abandoned “me”) and blaming them for the rest of our lives. Just imagine how painful it would be to hold resentment towards someone for leaving. Watch how the “me”-mind is creating stories around “them.” Witness it and release.
Let them go. BE with yourself. Your home is always here and now! Keep the door of your Heart open. When you are with the SELF, it doesn’t matter who comes or who leaves. You remain unaffected as you’re living in the now. The anxiety of what will happen if they leave comes when you live in an imaginary future (full of What-Ifs). To embrace life is to live in the present moment.
Don’t expect this wound to magically disappear. It may or may not, depending on your destiny. However, know that relief is always here now. Bring your awareness here. Here you are complete and safe; therefore, in completeness there is no one to abandon anyone.
With love,
Jagjot
